25 Things Everyone Should Know (A Preventative Survival Guide for Superior Healths)

Everyone seems to be noting facts about themselves. To better serve my fellow man, I'm listing facts to help them, seeing as no one gives a shit about the time I fell on my head off the jungle gym in elementary school.

25 Things Everyone Should Know (A Preventative Survival Guide for Superior Healths)

1. When in doubt, rub it out.
2.The key to woodland survival is to remember how delicious you are.
3.You can't give away something you don't have, say, bullets, for instance. If you have some, share!
4.Eating wild tomatoes isn't wrong, unless these tomatoes are children.
5.Keep in mind, without hmmph there would be no ehhh.
6.The degree to which you sweat when hiking is directly proportional to how fat your ass is. Trim it up!
7.An animal with 2 anuses is just that and no more, definitely no less. Don't be rude.
8.When being chased, do not run. Fly if possible.
9.To prevent flattening of the testicles, leap off of trees only under 20 ft (Two Stories) in height. The forest floor is not as forgiving as it may look.
10.Believe it or not, lotion can act as a lighting repellent. Hold a metal rod in the air during a storm to figure out which type works best for you!
11. Never rub someone the wrong way. Back Massages on the edges of cliffs are not advised.
12.Behind every goat is another goat...waiting to fuck up your day.
13.The key to urban survival is to remember how delicious others are.
14.The wolf is your friend. If your friend owes you money, steal their young as collateral.
15.Ration your clothing, especially undergarments. You never know when you'll need a thong-hammock.
16.The bigger the fire, the warmer you stay. Try putting embers in strategic orifices!
17.The bear is Mother Nature's Wal-Mart greeter. When entering their territory, they will be sure to make eye contact and give a pleasant hello. Return the favor!
18.When in the workplace, surround yourself with the spoils of the forest. Keeping carrion and scat in your cubicle let's your co-workers know who's the boss, in AND outside the workplace!
19.When trapped in a tiger pit, if you wait long enough, a tiger will come to your aid. That's why they're called tiger pits.
20.Never swing from vines that hang from trees. These are the trees' pubic hairs and not dissimilar from people and crabs (the venereal disease), the trees would be happier if you could stay out of their downtown area.
21.Avoid making hats out of fellow survivalists. "The Man" looks down on these and will confiscate them.
22.When hunting, always remember to bring a boombox that plays "Jungle Boogie" on a loop. You'd be surprised how much easier it is to kill an animal in mid-discodance.
23.Contrary to popular belief, feces and urine put out fires much more quickly than water or dirt. (Raccoons are the best toiletpaperanimal)
24.Always travel in groups. If a woodland situation goes awry, at least there's the possibility of an orgy.
25.Lastly, remember that relationships are give and take. Don't be surprised if an animal rapes you in your sleep. That just means they're giving, and you are taking. Maybe it's about time you gave something back, eh?


Hope these tips help you in your quest to remain alive!